Braden's birth and my rebirth story

“Teach us to realize the brevity of life, so that we may grow in wisdom” Psalm 90:12

On Mother’s day, May 10^th, 2020, I was scheduled to go in at 8pm to be induced. At 6pm, I had a major panic attack, (“what if I die?”, “what if he dies?”, “what if something happens to Dan or Nathan when I am away?”, “what if, What if, what if????”) and I cried a lot. My support person/ birthing coach, “Electra” and I headed off around 7pm to the hospital. Before we left, I hugged Dan and Nathan goodbye and said I would see them “in a couple of days”. The next 24 hours would make that statement a lie.

We made it to the hospital and at 9:30 pm, I was given the first dose of Cytotec to start labor. This drug usually is given up to 4 times and then a Pitocin drip is started. I had the second dose sometime in the middle of the night, the third early morning on the 11^th and was having nice contractions by 2:30 pm. After the 4^th dose, I was really in the throes of labor and doing well breathing through each contraction. The doctor’s decided Pitocin wasn’t needed, thank God. Around 6pm, I asked for the real drugs as someone was telling me that I would need it. About 30 minutes after the Epidural was placed, I was 8cm and my water was broken.

Baby Braden was born at 8pm. He was slightly blue and not breathing but was aroused easily and handed immediately to the NICU team. His breathing was labored and he needed oxygen and CPAP, at least that is what I was told later.

While the team was working on him, my OB was working on me and I was fading fast. I was rushed into the operating room as I was hemorrhaging. I ended up losing 4.5 liters of blood between birthing my son and in the operating room trying to save my life. While in the OR, doctors were working hard to repair the damage childbirth had caused and right in the middle of it all, I woke up to chaos. I heard doctor’s barking orders, “she needs more platelets”, “start another IV line”, “BP is 54/26”, “we can’t feel a pulse”, “rapid response needed” and “doctor, she will need to go to ICU” and all I felt was the coldest of cold, colder than I have ever felt in my entire life. I remember thinking, “this isn’t good” and saying a little prayer in my head for healing and for the medical team in the room.

Sometime later, I was awakened in another room, ICU by many doctor’s in a row telling me what had happened and that they were happy to see me alive. One of them in particular described the situation as “basically, your cervix exploded, you needed a million stitches and you lost a fuck ton of blood”. (Gee thanks doc for putting that into words I could understand). I learned that I had had 15 units of blood, platelets and cryo (a blood clotting agent) between the OR and the ICU throughout the night in order to become “stable”. I spent the rest of the day and the next in ICU, requiring 2 more transfusions before being released to the postpartum recovery ward. While in ICU, I was not allowed to see my baby nor could anyone see me. I didn’t know if they had told my family what was going on, I didn’t know if my baby was okay, it was terrifying.

Once released to the recovery room, I was able to connect with my husband via phone and virtually see my oldest son. I was able to get down to the NICU being driven in a wheelchair to see my baby after he was already more than a day old. He was attached to so many wires and monitors, it was frightening. Over the next few days, Braden kept getting stronger and they began discontinuing his breathing equipment and started feeding him by mouth. I wasn’t producing milk and the doctor’s warned that I probably wouldn’t due to the shock my body went through. I was trying to get stronger but needed another transfusion and kept getting new diagnoses thrown at me that were related to the trauma I had ensued. Braden was learning how to feed correctly and safely via bottle so he didn’t have any apnea issues and I was learning how to walk safely around the hospital.

A week after he was born, I was released and was able to go home to see Nathan and Dan, without Braden. It was bittersweet. I cried most of the evening. I was happy to be home but missed my baby and at that point we weren’t sure when he would be home. His Cardiologist was still deciding on when he should have his heart surgery. The following day however, we brought Braden home. His doctor’s decided that he needed to be at least 10lbs and that summertime would be best for his surgery. That will be scheduled for 6-8 weeks from now.

I share all of this to hopefully help someone see God is good, he isn’t done with me and he isn’t done with you either. All of this was part of his plan and even though, I have no idea myself what it all means or where to go from here, I know I am alive and Braden is alive and we are both meant to do great things.

“Let your light shine before men, that they see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven”. Matthew 5.11.20

Gender Reveal

This morning, I woke up to a phone call and I didn't recognize the number but something told me that I needed to answer. It was the nurse calling about the genetic testing and she revealed that all tests were negative and that the baby was low risk for any abnormalities. That was great news!! She then asked if I wanted to know the gender which of course I did!! When Nathan was conceived, I HAD to know then too and I was not about to wait for the anatomy scan next month. Dan wanted to know this time around as well. He didn't know until Nathan was born that he was a he but this time, we needed to plan..... Either pack up the old boy clothes and give them away or start stocking up on girl things. Dan was hoping for a boy as he is practical and we already had everything boy and he knew he wouldn't be able to ever discipline a little princess but he would be happy of course with a healthy baby no matter what gender. I was saying the same, I will be happy with whatever gender, but that I love being a boy mom. When she said to me "congratulations, you're having a baby boy",

my heart raced with excitement and I put on the biggest genuine smile for the first time since hearing "you're pregnant". Dan was still sleeping so I decided that I wanted to try to surprise him in some cute and creative way.  I decided that I would buy a black balloon and have it filled with blue confetti and have Nathan pop it and get a snapshot of his face.  Nathan didn't like that idea. The kid who always wants to pop balloons was telling me "No thank you, I don't want to pop it, throw it away!" So, I changed my plan to trying to make Dan think that it was girl by handing him a pink gift bag with something wrapped in pink inside. Before going to the store, I totally blew my cover. I said, "I have news, I am going to the store to get something so that you and Nathan can find out together what the baby's gender is" and then I proceeded to smile like the Cheshire Cat in Alice in Wonderland. Dan was nice and played along though. I had Nathan hand him the pink bag and he did a great job playing along and pretending to be surprised when he found the blue envelope inside with the words "you're having a BOY" written on it. I am just too predictable I guess but after 20 years together, I guess it is a good thing that he knows me so well. Nathan seemed super excited too, maybe because we were both excited or maybe because he really does want a baby brother, who knows but it was a beautiful moment!!

The stress of infertility and having a positive pregnancy test

The first appointment with the high risk OB was uneventful, just routine testing, no ultrasound and a lot of talking. She referred me to another specialist for a consult and said to schedule my ultrasound for two weeks out. However, the office had nothing available until three weeks out. That 3 week wait was the LONGEST ever! I was just as busy with work, mom life and various projects but I couldn't stop stressing over symptoms I was supposed to be feeling and not or over analyzing everything I was feeling for something bad. This was the same between ultrasounds at the fertility clinic. All of our struggles made us jaded. I kept trying to stay positive and not stress but all the while really just stressed out over everything. I just knew that I wouldn't see the heartbeat or that they would say something looked wrong or that I would miscarry before getting to the appointment. I was robbed of the blissfulness that I felt back in 2011 when we got pregnant naturally, saw the heartbeat at 6 weeks and  had no worries sin the world that anything would go wrong. Back then, it was too "perfect", "meant to be" after so many failed fertility treatments. That lack of concern back then caused us to be completely blindsided when it all fell apart at 12 weeks. So, this time around, I worried, I prayed, held my breath and pushed on. I went into my ultrasound worried that the baby had stopped growing or that I wouldn't see the heartbeat. What I saw instead left me in happy tears! I saw the spine, the heartbeat, the brain, 10 fingers and a jumping, waving, resting its hand on its face and turning baby!

Needless to say, I was thrilled! The same day, I did the NIPT testing which would reveal any genetic abnormalities and the baby's gender if we wanted to know......

Transfer Day and 2 week wait

On August 22nd, we went in for the embryo transfer first thing in the morning and everything went smoothly. We went home and relaxed all weekend. Monday came as well as work for Dan and I and school for Nathan, the week flew by. The following week was the same, busy as usual and no time to really think about what was happening. I had a party to plan for Nathan's big 5th birthday as well so I kept pretty busy, maybe that was key. It was all very different than all other attempts prior, I was not stressed, I didn't have time to be, plus I had convinced myself that being a mom of one was enough. When the nurse called me on the morning of August 30th, I fully expected her to say "I am sorry, it didn't take". However, she said instead, "Congratulations, you're pregnant!". My first Beta was over 80 which was way higher than in March 2017 and a lot to process! I had to go back in the following Monday for a retest to make sure that my numbers were doubling as they should and when I got that call, that was even better news. The numbers had more than doubled!!

The next steps were ultrasound to confirm the heartbeat and then ultrasounds every two weeks until the doctor decided that I was safe to be released to a high risk OB. That first heartbeat check appointment was SO scary. I remembered from 2011 what I was supposed to see and held my breath from the moment I was in that office until I spotted those flutters in the middle of the grey blob on the screen! It was a beautiful and welcome sight for sure. The next ultrasound showed the same and an even bigger blob that somewhat resembled a baby and the third ultrasound showed an even bigger blob that looked a bit more like a baby with another strong heartbeat! During this ultrasound, I even saw legs kicking and arms waving!! It was pretty amazing! This was week 9 in pregnancy for me and the doctor said that I needed to start seeing the high risk OB at week ten and that I had officially "graduated" from the fertility clinic!?!?! I made that appointment for the following week and waited impatiently until then.  

2019, is this our year for number 2?

After the first of the year, we decided to begin the fertility journey again and prepare to transfer our last embryo in July. I felt that I wasn't getting any younger, I didn't want to just destroy the embryo and that I didn't want to pay to have it stored any longer. We both sort of felt like we were going to just be throwing money away as we figured it wouldn't work and this would at least allow closure. We both decided that having one child was going to be okay and since he was already a blessing and a miracle, we shouldn't be greedy. I feel that this way of thinking released all the pressure off the attempt and definitely helped me not to stress over the process. It was all in God's hands.

I was able to get into the doctor in May for a consult and she discussed a new procedure where a biopsy is taken of the uterine lining to test for bacteria that could be causing my body to attack embryos. If I had the bacteria, we would that with antibiotics prior to transfer for a week and then retest. If the test was then negative, we could proceed. I went through the test under anesthesia and all went smoothly. The test was negative. That news was good but also felt like we were back to square one. It will either work or not work and if it didn't, we still would have no idea why. All we could do was pray for the best outcome, whatever that was, whatever HIS will was for our family. So we did.

Quick update on the last two and a half years

I haven't updated anything since our last attempt in March of 2017. Over the last two and a half years Nathan has grown up so much and has made amazing gains in physical development and language. We have been dealing with some medical issues that are still unresolved but he doesn't let anything slow him down. He has excelled in horseback riding, swimming and gymnastics over the last couple years and we couldn't be more proud of all of his hard work. His favorite things to do are hiking/ exploring the outdoors, combining letters to spell words, counting and building with magnatiles. Here are a few fun pictures:

 As far as our last embryo, it has been in storage waiting for our hearts and minds to be prepared to make a decision as to what to do with it. If you have followed our journey, you know it has been rough and I believe a break is just what we needed. 

Implantation day and results

On March 8th, our little family of three went to the IVF clinic for our appointment. On the way, Nathan fell asleep so we thought, great, we should be able to keep him asleep and quiet for the procedure! However, he awoke as soon as we arrived and he wanted to RUN (as boys usually do). So, when it came to actual procedure time, Dan and Nathan had to step out of the room.
As soon as we arrived, I was instructed to take my Valium and wait to be called back. Once in the room, I was checked to make sure I had a full bladder (I had downed over 48 oz of water so I knew I did!) and then the catheter was placed. At one point, I noticed that the door was wide open to the hallway and that anyone could just be walking by and see everything! But, everyone there had already seen everything anyway and the door needed to be open so they could bring the embryo through safely. As they were bringing the embryo through, I hear the Star Wars theme song playing.... at least I thought I did or maybe the Valium was really working on me?? The doctor began to place the embryo and I was able to watch on the ultrasound monitor. I saw the catheter enter and then a flash of white as the embryo was pushed out and into my uterus. Then the doctor made a comment about the Star Wars music which made me feel better that I wasn't totally hearing things! I was then instructed to lie there for 20 minutes and then I was able to empty my bladder, get dressed and go home and relax (with a toddler, ha ha). :)

The pregnancy test was 9 days later, on Friday March 17th, St. Patricks Day. Nathan and I went in first thing in the morning and then off to work we went. I was told I would get the call within 2 hours and I had hoped that it was between clients so that I could answer. It was and the clinician told me that I was in fact pregnant....... wait what?? This is something that in all of our IVF cycles had never happened before! Every other time, they told me my results were always negative. So, I was very surprised and nervous and excited! I either called or sent a text to every family member and close friend I could that day and celebrated the fact that it worked over the whole weekend. I was told to come back Monday for "baseline blood work" and that my number was a 22 and "anything over 5 was considered a pregnancy so 22 was a good place to start".

On Monday the 20th, Nathan and I went back in for the baseline blood work and then off to his gymnastics class. I was told I would get a phone call within two hours. So just as we were walking out of gymnastics, the call came in. I could tell something was not right by the sound of the clinician's voice. She said that unfortunately my number had dropped down to 14 and that the numbers are supposed to rise or double every 24 hours so that this was possibly a "chemical pregnancy" but that I should continue my medication and come back on Wednesday morning for another blood test. So, I cried much of yesterday between napping and trying to be a "present mom". I also called all of my family and close friends back to tell them the sad news. I received many heartfelt responses that more prayers were being sent up that there was maybe lab error or that the embryo shifted or that maybe my body is just being silly but the baby is fine. We shall see tomorrow I guess. I did some research to learn that a Chemical Pregnancy in IVF means that the embryo does in fact implant but for some genetic reason, it fails to grow. I guess that is encouraging in a way that it means that I can get pregnant...... which I already knew because I have had these same symptoms often very early on and then I miscarry.

We have one more little embryo left so one more shot, one more potentially heart breaking cycle or a successful to term cycle. I was told by a fellow infertile friend that in these moments we should allow ourselves the day or two that we need to grieve and then get back up and move on. Before Nathan, that was much easier said than done. I did give myself yesterday though and got back up and enjoyed my time with him today. We have played in the yard, went on a long walk, watered the plants (and he watered himself) and we ate popsicles because it was a really hot day! He went down for a nap easily and after a couple of hours, he is awake again so I should sign off for now and make dinner!

I will update tomorrow evening with the final (?) blood test results.

Thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers.