Braden's birth and my rebirth story

“Teach us to realize the brevity of life, so that we may grow in wisdom” Psalm 90:12

On Mother’s day, May 10^th, 2020, I was scheduled to go in at 8pm to be induced. At 6pm, I had a major panic attack, (“what if I die?”, “what if he dies?”, “what if something happens to Dan or Nathan when I am away?”, “what if, What if, what if????”) and I cried a lot. My support person/ birthing coach, “Electra” and I headed off around 7pm to the hospital. Before we left, I hugged Dan and Nathan goodbye and said I would see them “in a couple of days”. The next 24 hours would make that statement a lie.

We made it to the hospital and at 9:30 pm, I was given the first dose of Cytotec to start labor. This drug usually is given up to 4 times and then a Pitocin drip is started. I had the second dose sometime in the middle of the night, the third early morning on the 11^th and was having nice contractions by 2:30 pm. After the 4^th dose, I was really in the throes of labor and doing well breathing through each contraction. The doctor’s decided Pitocin wasn’t needed, thank God. Around 6pm, I asked for the real drugs as someone was telling me that I would need it. About 30 minutes after the Epidural was placed, I was 8cm and my water was broken.

Baby Braden was born at 8pm. He was slightly blue and not breathing but was aroused easily and handed immediately to the NICU team. His breathing was labored and he needed oxygen and CPAP, at least that is what I was told later.

While the team was working on him, my OB was working on me and I was fading fast. I was rushed into the operating room as I was hemorrhaging. I ended up losing 4.5 liters of blood between birthing my son and in the operating room trying to save my life. While in the OR, doctors were working hard to repair the damage childbirth had caused and right in the middle of it all, I woke up to chaos. I heard doctor’s barking orders, “she needs more platelets”, “start another IV line”, “BP is 54/26”, “we can’t feel a pulse”, “rapid response needed” and “doctor, she will need to go to ICU” and all I felt was the coldest of cold, colder than I have ever felt in my entire life. I remember thinking, “this isn’t good” and saying a little prayer in my head for healing and for the medical team in the room.

Sometime later, I was awakened in another room, ICU by many doctor’s in a row telling me what had happened and that they were happy to see me alive. One of them in particular described the situation as “basically, your cervix exploded, you needed a million stitches and you lost a fuck ton of blood”. (Gee thanks doc for putting that into words I could understand). I learned that I had had 15 units of blood, platelets and cryo (a blood clotting agent) between the OR and the ICU throughout the night in order to become “stable”. I spent the rest of the day and the next in ICU, requiring 2 more transfusions before being released to the postpartum recovery ward. While in ICU, I was not allowed to see my baby nor could anyone see me. I didn’t know if they had told my family what was going on, I didn’t know if my baby was okay, it was terrifying.

Once released to the recovery room, I was able to connect with my husband via phone and virtually see my oldest son. I was able to get down to the NICU being driven in a wheelchair to see my baby after he was already more than a day old. He was attached to so many wires and monitors, it was frightening. Over the next few days, Braden kept getting stronger and they began discontinuing his breathing equipment and started feeding him by mouth. I wasn’t producing milk and the doctor’s warned that I probably wouldn’t due to the shock my body went through. I was trying to get stronger but needed another transfusion and kept getting new diagnoses thrown at me that were related to the trauma I had ensued. Braden was learning how to feed correctly and safely via bottle so he didn’t have any apnea issues and I was learning how to walk safely around the hospital.

A week after he was born, I was released and was able to go home to see Nathan and Dan, without Braden. It was bittersweet. I cried most of the evening. I was happy to be home but missed my baby and at that point we weren’t sure when he would be home. His Cardiologist was still deciding on when he should have his heart surgery. The following day however, we brought Braden home. His doctor’s decided that he needed to be at least 10lbs and that summertime would be best for his surgery. That will be scheduled for 6-8 weeks from now.

I share all of this to hopefully help someone see God is good, he isn’t done with me and he isn’t done with you either. All of this was part of his plan and even though, I have no idea myself what it all means or where to go from here, I know I am alive and Braden is alive and we are both meant to do great things.

“Let your light shine before men, that they see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven”. Matthew 5.11.20