Gender Reveal

This morning, I woke up to a phone call and I didn't recognize the number but something told me that I needed to answer. It was the nurse calling about the genetic testing and she revealed that all tests were negative and that the baby was low risk for any abnormalities. That was great news!! She then asked if I wanted to know the gender which of course I did!! When Nathan was conceived, I HAD to know then too and I was not about to wait for the anatomy scan next month. Dan wanted to know this time around as well. He didn't know until Nathan was born that he was a he but this time, we needed to plan..... Either pack up the old boy clothes and give them away or start stocking up on girl things. Dan was hoping for a boy as he is practical and we already had everything boy and he knew he wouldn't be able to ever discipline a little princess but he would be happy of course with a healthy baby no matter what gender. I was saying the same, I will be happy with whatever gender, but that I love being a boy mom. When she said to me "congratulations, you're having a baby boy",

my heart raced with excitement and I put on the biggest genuine smile for the first time since hearing "you're pregnant". Dan was still sleeping so I decided that I wanted to try to surprise him in some cute and creative way.  I decided that I would buy a black balloon and have it filled with blue confetti and have Nathan pop it and get a snapshot of his face.  Nathan didn't like that idea. The kid who always wants to pop balloons was telling me "No thank you, I don't want to pop it, throw it away!" So, I changed my plan to trying to make Dan think that it was girl by handing him a pink gift bag with something wrapped in pink inside. Before going to the store, I totally blew my cover. I said, "I have news, I am going to the store to get something so that you and Nathan can find out together what the baby's gender is" and then I proceeded to smile like the Cheshire Cat in Alice in Wonderland. Dan was nice and played along though. I had Nathan hand him the pink bag and he did a great job playing along and pretending to be surprised when he found the blue envelope inside with the words "you're having a BOY" written on it. I am just too predictable I guess but after 20 years together, I guess it is a good thing that he knows me so well. Nathan seemed super excited too, maybe because we were both excited or maybe because he really does want a baby brother, who knows but it was a beautiful moment!!

The stress of infertility and having a positive pregnancy test

The first appointment with the high risk OB was uneventful, just routine testing, no ultrasound and a lot of talking. She referred me to another specialist for a consult and said to schedule my ultrasound for two weeks out. However, the office had nothing available until three weeks out. That 3 week wait was the LONGEST ever! I was just as busy with work, mom life and various projects but I couldn't stop stressing over symptoms I was supposed to be feeling and not or over analyzing everything I was feeling for something bad. This was the same between ultrasounds at the fertility clinic. All of our struggles made us jaded. I kept trying to stay positive and not stress but all the while really just stressed out over everything. I just knew that I wouldn't see the heartbeat or that they would say something looked wrong or that I would miscarry before getting to the appointment. I was robbed of the blissfulness that I felt back in 2011 when we got pregnant naturally, saw the heartbeat at 6 weeks and  had no worries sin the world that anything would go wrong. Back then, it was too "perfect", "meant to be" after so many failed fertility treatments. That lack of concern back then caused us to be completely blindsided when it all fell apart at 12 weeks. So, this time around, I worried, I prayed, held my breath and pushed on. I went into my ultrasound worried that the baby had stopped growing or that I wouldn't see the heartbeat. What I saw instead left me in happy tears! I saw the spine, the heartbeat, the brain, 10 fingers and a jumping, waving, resting its hand on its face and turning baby!

Needless to say, I was thrilled! The same day, I did the NIPT testing which would reveal any genetic abnormalities and the baby's gender if we wanted to know......

Transfer Day and 2 week wait

On August 22nd, we went in for the embryo transfer first thing in the morning and everything went smoothly. We went home and relaxed all weekend. Monday came as well as work for Dan and I and school for Nathan, the week flew by. The following week was the same, busy as usual and no time to really think about what was happening. I had a party to plan for Nathan's big 5th birthday as well so I kept pretty busy, maybe that was key. It was all very different than all other attempts prior, I was not stressed, I didn't have time to be, plus I had convinced myself that being a mom of one was enough. When the nurse called me on the morning of August 30th, I fully expected her to say "I am sorry, it didn't take". However, she said instead, "Congratulations, you're pregnant!". My first Beta was over 80 which was way higher than in March 2017 and a lot to process! I had to go back in the following Monday for a retest to make sure that my numbers were doubling as they should and when I got that call, that was even better news. The numbers had more than doubled!!

The next steps were ultrasound to confirm the heartbeat and then ultrasounds every two weeks until the doctor decided that I was safe to be released to a high risk OB. That first heartbeat check appointment was SO scary. I remembered from 2011 what I was supposed to see and held my breath from the moment I was in that office until I spotted those flutters in the middle of the grey blob on the screen! It was a beautiful and welcome sight for sure. The next ultrasound showed the same and an even bigger blob that somewhat resembled a baby and the third ultrasound showed an even bigger blob that looked a bit more like a baby with another strong heartbeat! During this ultrasound, I even saw legs kicking and arms waving!! It was pretty amazing! This was week 9 in pregnancy for me and the doctor said that I needed to start seeing the high risk OB at week ten and that I had officially "graduated" from the fertility clinic!?!?! I made that appointment for the following week and waited impatiently until then.  

2019, is this our year for number 2?

After the first of the year, we decided to begin the fertility journey again and prepare to transfer our last embryo in July. I felt that I wasn't getting any younger, I didn't want to just destroy the embryo and that I didn't want to pay to have it stored any longer. We both sort of felt like we were going to just be throwing money away as we figured it wouldn't work and this would at least allow closure. We both decided that having one child was going to be okay and since he was already a blessing and a miracle, we shouldn't be greedy. I feel that this way of thinking released all the pressure off the attempt and definitely helped me not to stress over the process. It was all in God's hands.

I was able to get into the doctor in May for a consult and she discussed a new procedure where a biopsy is taken of the uterine lining to test for bacteria that could be causing my body to attack embryos. If I had the bacteria, we would that with antibiotics prior to transfer for a week and then retest. If the test was then negative, we could proceed. I went through the test under anesthesia and all went smoothly. The test was negative. That news was good but also felt like we were back to square one. It will either work or not work and if it didn't, we still would have no idea why. All we could do was pray for the best outcome, whatever that was, whatever HIS will was for our family. So we did.

Quick update on the last two and a half years

I haven't updated anything since our last attempt in March of 2017. Over the last two and a half years Nathan has grown up so much and has made amazing gains in physical development and language. We have been dealing with some medical issues that are still unresolved but he doesn't let anything slow him down. He has excelled in horseback riding, swimming and gymnastics over the last couple years and we couldn't be more proud of all of his hard work. His favorite things to do are hiking/ exploring the outdoors, combining letters to spell words, counting and building with magnatiles. Here are a few fun pictures:

 As far as our last embryo, it has been in storage waiting for our hearts and minds to be prepared to make a decision as to what to do with it. If you have followed our journey, you know it has been rough and I believe a break is just what we needed.