Follow-up consultation

Today, I made that long, 5 hour drive round trip to visit the fertility doctor again, just to follow-up and get his thoughts and ideas for what our options are for moving forward.

The news was not too great, but there are options. For starters, he wants us to get genetic testing done to rule out "balanced translocation".

"In a balanced translocation, a person usually has all the genetic material necessary for normal growth a piece of a chromosome is merely broken off and attached to another one. However, when that person's cells divide to create egg or sperm cells for reproduction, the egg or sperm cells can end up with extra genetic material or missing genetic material, which could lead to miscarriage depending on which chromosome and genes are affected. In about 4.5% of all couples with recurrent miscarriages, one or both parents has a balanced translocation. Research has shown that couples with balanced translocations are more likely to have miscarriages than couples without balanced translocations. There's some evidence that balanced translocations involving specific chromosomes are more likely to cause miscarriages than others."

That doesn't sound good at all, but if one of us did show up with it, then we would at least know what the nest step would be. If I have the problem, then I could use donor eggs and everything SHOULD be fine. If it was in him, we would have to consider donor sperm. Based on the last three tries and how my body felt, I have a suspicion that the problem is with me.

However, this may not be a problem at all. If that is the case, then we are "back to square one" and we don't know if it is implantation issues with me or just bad eggs.

If implantation issues, I need a gestational surrogate where we can use my eggs (after taking stim drugs for a lot longer than normal protocol) and his sperm to make embryos and put it in a "compassionate surrogate" on day 3, who loves us and cares for us and wants to help us out, from the kindness of their own hearts.......... anyone know anybody like that????? The doctor said that he was sure that I knew 4 women that would do this for me. I am not too sure about that. Well, actually, I do know 4 women who would do this for me, the only problem is they no longer have the required equipment!

If the problem is only bad eggs, then I can just use an egg donor and put the embryos in me, do another immune therapy treatment in another country, plus IVIG (an infusion therapy that costs around 3000) and hope for the best.

I have no idea what donor eggs cost. I do have a lawyer's number that I can consult with who has a lot of experience with writing contracts for surrogates and intending parents here in this state, so that is good if we do need to go down that road and we find that special someone to help.

Needless to say, this is all very overwhelming. I don't even know if we have the finances available to do anything else but I do know that if we don't do anything soon, I will run out of time.

Besides my issues, the state legislature is trying to ban IVF practices all together.
The current bill calls for more regulation of embryos. Supporters of the bill are comparing the destruction of an embryo that has stopped growing and is no longer viable to abortion and therefore should be illegal to "murder" that embryo. They also say that having a baby is a natural beautiful gift from God and basically, "God doesn't want you to have children". The whole thing is a long debated, completely heartbreaking and just awful. I could go on and on about this issue but I won't. If you want to stop the current bill from going into effect, you can visit http://www.resolve.org/get-involved/2013-state-advocacy-efforts.html#AZ and write a letter to congress.

Thanks for reading and goodnight or good morning since it is 1:30am. (I should not have taken that 2 hour nap earlier today.......).

What to do now???

As many of you know, I do better when I have a plan. I am trying to figure out what that plan is right now and we are exploring the alternative options available for having a baby. The first option we have explored is surrogacy and wow.... this is quite stressful. We don't even know where to begin but do know that there are lawyer fees, medical fees and surrogate fees.

From what we can tell so far, surrogacy could cost anywhere from 30,000 to 100,000  dollars, depending on the route you take and the experience of the surrogate and if you go through and agency or go with a private person. It is all so complicated and scary. Arizona state laws for children go with their "birth" parents. That means that if we used a surrogate and her eggs, that if, God forbid, she decided to keep the baby, she would have a pretty good chance of winning her case...... that doesn't make me too excited to go out and try this method.

Adoption for now is still not something we are ready to explore. So, that leaves us feeling like we are back at square one..... (together, alone, without the rest of our family). That means that I don't have a plan and I am not doing better, but I have great ways of seeming like I am OK and will continue to do so, because I have to, because that is what I have always done.

Bitter sweet news

So, on the same exact day that I found out that I was not pregnant and had to come to the realization that I may never be able to do this on my own, may never carry my own child and an egg donor is out because my body would just reject it anyway, on that same day, my sister gave birth to her third child.

I don't mean any offense here to her, but I have not called to congratulate her and I really don't want to. I will of course at some point because she is my sister and I do love her but for now, I am angry that he (my nephew) decided to come on this day, the day of my pure misery. I am sure he is cute and I am sure that I will love him as much as I do my two nieces and my nephew from my brother. I just can't handle it right now. His whole creation was under less than perfect circumstances. I will not tell any more here because that is her story, not mine. I hate that I feel this way but I can't help it and I am sorry.

Life isn't fair, it doesn't make sense and it is what you make of it. So, I gave myself today to grieve. Tomorrow will be better. I will move on, I will be OK, WE will be OK. No one knows what is in our future but God, it is all in his hands now. I am not giving up necessarily but whatever happens will happen and I no longer have any control.

I do have control over my actions and reactions though and for now, I choose to run, literally. The first run will be an all out obstacle course, 5k in March, hopefully with a few girlfriends, to support breast cancer awareness. Then, in April, I have another 5k with a team from school that I help coach and eventually, I plan on working up to a half marathon in December.

That is all for now. Once again, thank you for all your prayers and support.

Oh, and congrats Ashley, I will call eventually, I hope you understand........

The results are in

Well, I went into the lab this morning and had my blood drawn at 6:15 am and went to work. All morning, I have waited with high anxiety for the phone call from the doctors office.

They called at 11:15. The results are negative. I am not pregnant. They don't have any answers. I can go back and consult with him later in the week or next week or whenever I choose. If I choose too.

Right now, I am heartbroken. The hardest part of it all is knowing that once again, I have disappointed my husband.

I don't know what is next, if anything, but for now I will be sad and disappointed until I am ready to move forward.

Thank you for all your support and prayers. Maybe one day it will all work.

The wait is almost over......

I am near the end of the two week wait and I am going a bit crazy to say the least. The symptoms for pregnancy are nearly identical to the same symptoms a woman gets before "aunt flow" comes to visit. I have had nearly every symptom on the list. So, needless to say, this week has been an emotional roller coaster of "Oh, I am feeling this so it definitely worked" or "Oh crap, this is happening, impending doom is near!" It is maddening for sure and there is nothing anyone can do about it but continue to wait.

I could sneak a home pregnancy test but there is emotional drawbacks to that too. There can be false results or it could be accurate (which would be great if it is positive, not so great if it is negative). If the test shows negative, I won't know if it is really negative or a false negative until Monday and why ruin my weekend? If the home test is positive, I could be really happy all weekend only to find out that it was a false positive on Monday and that would certainly be tragic too. So, I will wait and continue to analyze every "symptom" that comes about and pray that it means pregnancy and not impending doom and try to stay busy until Monday.

Unfortunately, I do have to work on Monday and I cannot leave in the middle of the day crying if the results are negative. Fortunately, I have a really great, really supportive work family who I know will either congratulate me and jump for joy or who will cry with me and take me out for drinks at the end of the day. I am very lucky know such wonderful people.

I will sign off for now but first, I want to thank everyone of you who are out there praying and offering encouraging comments. Now, I am off to try and enjoy the weekend I have without the crazy amount of paperwork that awaits me back at work and I will try not to worry and stress too much until Monday.

Bed rest blah..... and a big thank you to the most dedicated hubby ever!

Today is only day four of the bed rest orders and I am going a bit stir crazy! I have read two books and will finish a third today. I have done my homework for the week. I have answered a few work emails and rescheduled meetings. I have slept and slept some more and best of all, I have really enjoyed being pampered by my loving husband.

Needless to say, infertility is hard on a marriage and after as many years as we have been dealing with it, most couples would probably be headed for a divorce. I would like to complain and say I have had it the hardest with 9 surgeries, hundreds of injections, countless lab tests and the overall illness factor, but I have to acknowledge the hardships he has taken on too.

He has also had his blood drawn several times (twice in another country), had to donate his swimmers in numerous doctors offices (which is, I am sure a bit awkward to say the least) for each pregnancy attempt, had to deal with my sudden crying fits over our losses and has had to take care of me for every one of my 9 surgeries. Not to mention, men are heartbroken by miscarriage too. All of this takes its toll but through it all, he still manages to be my rock and doesn't complain one bit about a few days of having to do all the cooking, cleaning and pet care.

The past few days (and anytime I have ever had to be on bed rest or recovering from a surgery), he has planned every meal, cooked it, brought it to me along with anything else I request. He has done laundry, dishes, organized rooms, painted and even cleaned floors. To be fair, these aren't things reserved exclusively for me on a normal basis, no, he does more than his share of housework on other days too but I guess I appreciate it more when all I can do is watch him do it now.

I know this has been hard on him too and I am just so grateful that he manages to keep going, looking ahead, being positive so I don't fall apart.  Every time I have fallen apart, he has been there to make things seem better and I would like to say I have done the same for him. That is how marriage is supposed to work right? Yes, we have had our rough times but through it all, we have each other and that is what matters the most.

So, here is a huge THANK YOU to the best, most dedicated, caring husband a wife could have, I LOVE YOU Dan!