There are so many things that are so very offensive that come out of peoples mouths when you are struggling with infertility that I could be here all day writing them down. Instead, I will pick the top three things that people say that make we want to scream and possibly slap them in the face! Now, I have never actually done either, no, I just smile and nod politely because I know that they are just trying to be helpful and they really do not know what to say. If you find yourself in this situation, do not say the following things or the person struggling with infertility may actually slap you because you are not being helpful at all, you are only suggesting things that seem impossible or are not feasible at that time for that person.
1. "Quit trying and it will just happen" - Well actually in most cases, it wont magically happen, we are struggling with infertility for a reason and that reason is not because we are trying to get pregnant! That is like saying "if you quit trying to run that marathon, you will be able to just do it!" Yeah.....OK.
2. "Just adopt, then you will get pregnant!" - Oh, OK, is that the magical way that our bodies will heal themselves and just work? Whatever. I know, I know, I have heard the stories, all off them, your sister's cousin's sister-in-law or your brother's best friends aunt, they all got pregnant after they adopted. Well, besides the same thing I said about the first phrase, adoption isn't always an option for some people and we are trying to get pregnant because we would like that experience of carrying our child, you got to have it, why shouldn't we?
3. "Maybe God doesn't want you to have children, maybe he has another plan for you?" - This one will most definitely get you slapped! Don't ever say that to a person struggling with infertility. If God has another plan, fine, let him show it to that person, that is not your place. It is just too horrible to think that God wouldn't want us to have children but he allows child molesters and baby killers to have them?!?!? Just don't go there.
All that being said, don't flat out ignore the person either just because you don't know what to say. We are not diseased, infertility is not contagious and most of the time, we are still the same person you grew to know and love in the first place. We just need a friend who says they are thinking of us, praying for success and that will offer a hug or two. Thank you to all of you who do just that, you know who you are!
xo :)
ReplyDeleteThank you Becca!
DeleteOk, I am definitely guilty of number 2, so I am sorry. I love you tons, and for the record, even though I adore both of my children, I do think it's horribly unfair that someone like me has them accidentally when she is no where near prepared for a child, and someone like you has to struggle and hurt to have one.
ReplyDeleteLove you too Jami, thanks.
DeleteSamantha, I want to echo Jami's sentiment. I love my children, but knowing what you've struggled through I feel guilty sometimes for getting to have them. I had not planned or prepared or spent the time, energy, and effort that you have. I can somewhat relate to hearing number three on your list--people said it after my miscarriages and I felt pretty much the same as you've described. I know that you are a wonderful aunt/cousin to all of the children our generation has created so far. I hope and wish that you can experience all of the joys and pains of pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting. Each time that I have told you I was pregnant, I felt like you probably secretly hated me, just a little bit...
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